Proverbs 9:10

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” -Proverbs 9:10 (NIV)

I slept really well last night and I know that's because I woke up out of a really intense dream.  I was trying to get a poster made, or maybe a picture limited, I'm not really sure, but I lived in Winslow and I went to Waterville to get some help.  the woman who ran the shop open for shop up late to help me out and then came back to Winslow with me to try to help me get my work done.

I felt a deep connection with the woman who was trying to help me. I don't believe I have ever met her, but I felt that I have known her for all my life.  I am left today with a sense of loss, a wish, a hope, a dream that maybe I will see her again.

war was coming. nobody talked about it. but we all knew that a war was coming. they had rebuilt be chicken coop on the Winslow and of the Waterville-Winslow bridge. there was a sense of urgency. It's could all breakdown at any moment.

then I woke up

Psalm 23

I promised someone I would spend some time in prayer and read my Bible today. My father often encouraged me to do so, and I know he would be pleased to see me try. I don't believe reading the Bible and praying every day makes you a good person. Terrible acts have been committed by the most devout while they have been intently reading and praying every day. So the point is not to be a good person, a super Christian, a hero, or even to be more valuable.

It makes sense to me when I think about it, I've just never thought about it. My only goal behind spending time with God must be to build a relationship with my creator. If I have any other goals I will be sorely disappointed. God's love for me will not change, nor will my own humanity.

Psalm 23:1

• The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. -kjv
• The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. -niv
• You, Lord, are my shepherd, I will never be in need. -cev
• The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack. -amp
• God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. -msg

This verse resonates with me, and yet seems so strange. I do believe that my God is my provider, and I don't usually worry about having the things I need. I guess to say that I've always trusted in God for these things would be somewhat inaccurate. I've trusted in my parents, our society, our government.

Wanting nothing, needing nothing. I'm sure Christians have died of starvation. I'm sure we have gone without our physical needs met. I know we go without our spiritual needs met. We believe we worship a God who can provide us our every need and yet, we go wanting. We go on needing.

Is it our lack of faith?

I hate the mere suggestion. Faith was such an abused word in the churches where I grew up. You don't understand? You lack faith. The Bible seems to contradict itself? You lack faith. You're stressed out? You lack faith. You don't feel well? You lack faith. You're not healed yet? You lack faith. You've sinned? You lack faith. Faith was the answer for everything to which the leaders could not answer, and as such my idea of what faith might be became a mere shadow of a concept of something foul and disgusting.

Perhaps I'm taking it out of context.

Psalm 23 -nkjv

1. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
3. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
4. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.
6. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell[a] in the house of the Lord Forever.

I can't possibly comment on the wisdom of this verse. I guess I can only say what it means to me, and probably more importantly what I think it might be intended to mean to me.

I want things. I'm not in a state of rest. I don't have a green pasture in which to lie down. My life does not currently have still waters. My soul is restored, and I do believe I now walk in the paths of righteousness for God's name sake though I would never say it that way anywhere but here. I don't think my life has any valleys of the shadow of death, but I think if I were in a deep dark place I would probably have some fear. God is with me. I believe I have endured hardship at my own hand because God loves me, strange as that may sound. My enemies watch me succeed. My cup runneth.

Some of these things reign true in my life. Some do not. So either this verse is untrue or God is not my shepherd.

Dear God,

The scriptures have been used to incite shame, guilt, fear and negativity in my life, and I lived in a place for so long where everything was dark because I believed those who used scripture to show me that I am evil, unworthy, vile. I no longer believe those things, and I no longer live in that darkness, but when I read your word and pray in any sort of a religious way it brings back feelings of darkness, rage and hatred.

If you and I are going to have a relationship, it's going to have to be based on something else, or my views on this book will have to change.

Jonathan

The one to whom I promised this said my day would be better today, and I would feel so much better after spending some time reading my Bible and praying. Right now I feel disturbed, upset and a little sick. I guess we'll have to see about the rest of the day.

Proverbs 27:1

“Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” -Proverbs 27:1 (NIV)

How true. How timely.

get real

I had a horrible feeling following my previous post. my motivations behind posting scriptures recently and commenting on them has been to honor my father. am faking it? it was the feeling of deception. I had the feeling that I'm not being real, and that is a horrible feeling.

it's so easy for me to speak passionately and from the heart. it is a much more difficult thing for me to define what it is that I believe. at any given moment, I think what I believe depends heavily upon how I feel. so in the interest of being real, let me say a few things that I think I believe...at the moment...

I believe God loves me and wants me to be happy.

beyond that, I'm just not sure. I hope that Jesus is the Son of God and that he died for my sins. I don't believe the entire Bible is the inspired word of God. I fear absolutes. anything absolute deprives me of my ability to think for myself and gives you an excuse to not take responsibility for your own will. ironically, that belief in and of itself is an absolute.

I guess I can't really say for sure that I know anything. I don't know that I have faith in anything. I don't know for sure that anything I believe is true.

probably the biggest reason these scriptures and my comments feel fake is it's not something I would do...not anymore anyway.  the scripture tends to revive with in me a religious fundamental sense of Christianity and it's easy for me to ramble on as such.

whatever, I think I'm rambling.

Psalm 143:10

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” -Psalm 143:10 (NIV)

To give up my will, though spiritual as it sounds, I think incredibly dangerous...Maybe to do the will of God I must choose every day, every hour, every moment, not to lose my will but to choose from my will to do His.

Ephesians 3:16-19

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

Amen!

Eph 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  -Eph 2:10 (NIV)

I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities afforded me to take actions upon which i can be proud.  Lord knows, I'm not proud of everything I've done, but I can be proud of the things I do today, and it's not that hard. I don't have to go looking for the good I am meant to do. It's already been prepared for me.

John 6:29

“Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”” -John 6:29 (NIV)

this one for me is difficult. granted it would be good for me if I an judged on my faith, and not so much on the sins if my past, but I was taught that to believe something is to know it to be true, blind faith, without question. maybe I was taught wrong?

if you tell me something, and I believe you, I don't know it to be true. you could be lying, you could be unsure yourself, but if I believe you it's because I choose to believe you, probably because I've chosen to trust you.

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." -Isaiah 26:3 (NIV)

Am I steadfast? I'm not there yet, but at least this verse includes a solution...

Trust in you

Romans 12:4-5

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” -Romans 12:4-5 (NIV)

I think I'm inspired to know that I don't have to be like everybody else, in fact, I'm not supposed to be. I'm intended to be different, unique, to serve a purpose all my own. You are no more justified to tell me to be a Christian like you than I would be you me.

Psalm 119:165

“Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.” -Psalm 119:165 (NIV)

I never understood that, until recently. Like that passage, Psalm 1 I believe, his delight is in the law of the Lord and in his law doth he mediate day and night.  Why would someone delight in more rules and restrictions?

Today I see things differently. Following the rules keeps me safe. If I think of Peace as a lack of anxiety, then it's easy to see how living within the rules brings peace.

Psalm 116:1-2

“I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” -Psalm 116:1-2 (NIV)

when I talk to god I usually feel heard. I feel like I can always turn to him for anything, no matter how big the mess is that I'm in, no matter how much that mess is entirely my fault.

I think sometimes the answer to my cry for mercy is, "well now Jonathan, you have to suffer these consequences, but I will suffer then with you."  maybe having to face the challenges presented by my own choices is somehow true mercy...

...or maybe it's that I never have to face them alone.

Psalm 94:18-19

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” -Psalm 94:18-19 (NIV)

I was telling my sister recently, when life is difficult there is no question in my heart, my faith is strong; but when life is good then I get all philosophical, I question everything.

I don't really question the existence of god, that he loves me and provides for me. I question the holy scriptures, the inspired word of god.

regardless, this scripture reigns true in my heart. I know that when things seem impossible, I always have a place to which to turn.

Romans 8:32

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” -Romans 8:32 (NIV)

all things in this context I'm sure doesn't include all things, does it? or it doesn't mean in this life, does it? are we talking material things? spiritual things? c'mon, what are the parameters of this promise? I'm probably missing the point.

god spared not his own son for me, so why do I worry so over material things, spiritual things, all things far less significant than the son of god?

Out of gas

We passed in Biddeford recently a gas station, and I remembered...

Thirteen years ago I stopped in that gas station, almost out of gas, and prayed. a man approached me and asked if I was John Williams son. I said that I was and he told me how much my father had been a blessing to him and wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me...

So I asked him for some money for gas.

Awake, O sleeper

Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.  -Eph 5:14 kjv

Dad, I'm sorry.  I didn't want to argue with you.  I just wanted to spend time with you and enjoy that time.  There rarely seemed to be any agreement between you and I concerning things of the spirit.

Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.  -Eph 5:17 kjv

I think my life today gives honor to you and God.  I think to say that I know God's will for my life would be arrogant.

But when anything is exposed and reproved by the light, it is made visible and clear; and where everything is visible and clear there is light.  Therefore he says, Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall shine (make day dawn) upon you and give you light. -Eph 5:13-14 amp

I try not to have secrets.  Granted I don't share everything with everyone.  I didn't keep secrets from you, Dad.  I shared everything with you.

...Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead...

Powerful.  That speaks to me.  And yet I don't get it.  It seems in context here it has something to do with keeping my life transparent.

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.  For it is a shame event to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.  -Eph 5:11-12

Harsh.  Come on, God, seriously?  If this really is your inspired word, don't you think that's a bit much?  I hate the absolutes.  If I do something of which I am not proud, I have to talk about it.  If I keep it a secret it only grows more powerful.

Whatever.  I don't get it.  The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything for sure.

John Williams Gone

My father (John) passed away nine days ago.  The Morning Sentinel published the obituary and a touching article about his life.

• Article
• Obituary

I just read the article I posed in June wondering why my dad tried so hard to share what he believed.  In perspective it seems pretty simple.  My dad wanted me to know God the way that he knew God.

So Frustrating

My father and I have radically varying views on spirituality.  It's frustrating.  I consider myself somewhat spiritual and I assume he does likewise.  Saying that I am spiritual is precise like saying I work with computers for a living.  Saying what I believe, on the other hand, is incredibly dangerous and rarely rewarding.

I think sometimes people share their beliefs hoping for a connection.  I don't know why my father talks to me about what he believes.  I don't share with him what I believe.  I guess I don't see the point.

Need to Know

I just want it all to make sense.  Is that too much to ask?  Why does it feel like part of my purpose here is to learn to live with the idea that it will never just click, the pieces will never fit, and the moments of perceived perfection though few and far between will never last.  I just want to understand.

I know I'm not the first person to ask Why?  I know this isn't very original, but it's gotta be common.  I believe in and even worship my creator--in whom I have the hope of an intelligent design, a hope which proves to be a continual challenge of faith.

Whatever, I have to get back to work.